`another me: 11 Jan 2007 - Which is the better choice? To stay or to give up and help?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
「 what's behind my shadow. 10:48:00 PM 」

11 Jan 2007 - Which is the better choice? To stay or to give up and help?

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Haiz... Another sad day passed...

Everything started with a long story and I do not want to say again lah...

These few days, I've been living with pain, fear and sorrow. These feelings doesn't start recently, it started at the very first day of 2007, 1st Jan. Leaving a very huge impact on my heart for 2007. These feelings not only left a huge impact, it also caused me to have lot of restless nights. Thats why Im yawning often in school this year.

Many things happened since school reopen. Somethings I do not wish to happen actually happened and it was heartbreaking.

That special someone I had been talking about doesn't love me as I loved her. I think, Why doesn't she likes me? And like that person? Where have I done wrong? Did I offend her? Is it because I had not done enough for her? and more. I've done everything I could to let her like me. Protecting her & try my best make her happy always, etc. So I approached her and asked why. And the answer was no feeling towards me. Okay, reason is acceptable, can't force...

Feeling so heartbroken....

Eversince this heartbreaking news reached me, I feel terrible, very terrible even until now. My heart was aching as if my heart was pierced through by a vemon arrow, blood flowing out slowly like endless tears and the vemon spreading throughout my whole body and causing my body to be manipulated (Unable to control myself) and nearly went mad. For the first time ever to felt so emotional after hearing that news. [Don't you feel weird for someone like me to get emotional? I mean I seldomly get emotional.]

But lucky I didn't went mad.

But I was abit angry at that period of time! She actually broke her promise because she promised to be before not fall in love with that guy. I really cant believed that she that kind of person actually broke her promise which made me even more sad... At first I did not know what to do.. didn't want to accept the fact that she like that guy... then I came up with this idea of forgetting her and everything about her as I need to face them daily and also so that she can go together with that guy happily, so I start ignoring that special someone trying to make her hate me and eventually forget about me. But everything does go as smooth as it think... Trying to ferget her was difficult and hurtful to myself. I ignored her, she sad... I see her sad I even even more sad and I want her to be happy! So told her that I accept the facts but I actually pretend to accept the fact that she with that guy and pretend Im happy that both of them together so that the girl will not worry about me and live happily. But the truth was, I really do not accept the fact that both of them together! I feel so hurt everytime I saw them together. Everytime I with her or around her, I will try my very best to pretend that nothing happened, I am happy, so please don't worry about me and the fact was the opposite... and this last until yesterday...

After days, I think how to make her even happier? And I come out with this idea. I start to treat her harshly and pretend to dislike her. Talk to her loudly, give her attitude, scold and told her i hate her alot, just to make her dislike me. I also don't want to behave like this. I know it surely hurt her a lot alot and she will sad and will even cry... But I have no choice but to do this... because I think, this is the best way to make feel happy for long term and be together with him happily. Like what chinese saying, chang tong bu ru duan tong for her and I...

But today.. she updated her blog and I read it... haiz... I feel so sorry for her.. didn't expect things would turn out so badly.. she was very sad and now even got family problem... now she has 2 troubles in her mind... my problem and her family problem.. haiz... I really don't know what to do know! Should I take back my plan now and apologise and help her? But if I do, I will lose this only chance to let her hate me... but I really want to help her now.. but I also don't want to miss my only chance! She is breaking down soon I know because she surely cannot handle these by her own de. [she only look strong outside but she is fragile inside]

I really don't know what to do now! And what the F that guy together with him doing? Why he didn't help her! (feel like punching him right now!)

Should I stay and help or give up?!

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xIgUa
Signing off...
= (
I know she can't handle and Im scared...